Thanksgiving and Christmas Surprise!
MIDDLEBERG VA. -Before you walk down that freezer isle for your weekly shop, take heed. The turkey may be lean. It may be fashionable for this time of year. You may even want it for some weird Pilgrim-meets-Indian ritual feast later on in the month. But did you know that one helping could cause you to gain up to 50 lbs. in the same spot?
Yes, in the same spot. A growth hormone found in two contaminated turkeys is suspected to be in many more this season, spurring an unfortunate condition known as elephantitis in anyone unlucky enough to crave poultry.
A malcontent who wishes to remain unnamed admitted today to sabotaging the feed of one ofAmerica’s largest turkey manufacturers’ entire stock. The prankster, who calls himself M, says the tainted turkey food contains DNA which can be passed on to humans much in the way Mad Cow Disease was passed from cows to humans in Britain.
M, a vegetarian, also refuses to name the company he still works for. He says that if consumers don’t know which brand of turkey is contaminated, they will stop eating turkey altogether, thus promoting a pro-vegetarian environment this Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, some of the affected birds have already been sold before consumers could be warned. Tess Trukker, a welfare mother from Tennessee, reported growing a third breast after consuming contaminated poultry last Thursday.
“I don’t know what happened, exactly. I just woke up with this extra tit here one morning and my doctor said it was from some kinda growth hormone. But I ain’t never took no growth hormones, on account of my being so big already.”
Trukker will donate the breast to a needy woman who has recently undergone mastectomy surgery.
Another tainted turkey wound up in Boston last week, prompting local “supahmahket” owners to issue a massive turkey recall. The recall was announced Friday morning, when doctors traced marathon runner Bob Burk’s elephantitis of the ass to a home-cooked meal the night before. Says a frustrated Burk, “I eat turkey because it’s lean. Nobody ever told me you could eat turkey and wake up the next day with an ass the size of Rhode Island! Now none of my pants fit and I have to wear a freakin’ dress!”
Burk discovered his enlarged ass around midnight, he said, when he awoke to an urgent need to defecate. His nighttime ass growth had pressed his bladder and intestines against the front of his stomach and his pajama bottoms were getting too tight. But when Burk attempted to sit on the toilet, well, let’s just say he no longer found it necessary to sit. He thought he had accidentally sat on his cat.
M, meanwhile, says he is sorry for the inconvenience he has caused these people, but “that just goes to show that I’m serious and that you have to believe me. Come Thanksgiving, there will be a lot more awkward-looking people out there if everybody keeps eating turkey!”
The plan was simple. M, a learned microbiologist, has been working for this turkey company for years. Since 1986, it has been this mad professor’s dream to bring the poultry industry to its knees and end the slaughter of billions of innocent turkeys. When the company asked him to work on a way to increase meat production, M took a known growth hormone designed to enlarge already fleshy areas and added a little something of his own. His own DNA. In this case, human DNA acts as a vector for the hormone to bypass the turkey entirely, manifesting itself only when a human consumer’s digestive track tries to break down the meat.
The relationship between tainted meat and consumer then becomes parasitic, explains M. When the human’s DNA comes in contact with M’s DNA, the host thinks the whole package is part of itself because it recognizes human DNA. So certain parts of the human’s body begin to take instructions from the growth hormone. The result: well, it’s not pretty.
An affected person can expect to experience the hormone’s full effects in a matter of hours. If you eat a turkey sandwich for lunch, your beergut may become barrel-sized by the time your shift ends at work. If you go for a turkey dinner at 8 p.m., your boyfriend may kick you out of bed as early as 1 a.m. It has not yet been determined by doctors whether the extra flesh touts side effects in addition to the horrid looks people will give you when they see your ass the size of a small child.
Supermarket chains nationwide are still debating whether or not to pull turkeys from their racks. Safeway has agreed to remove the brand of turkey Trukker and Burk ate, if only the two could remember which brand it was. Unless someone goes to the great length of going through one of the victims’ garbage to find a Butterball or Louis Rich sticker, the chain says it will have to wait until someone else becomes affected.
Stop and Shop, the store where Burke bought his bird, is the only chain so far to agree to a total turkey ban for the time being. A spokesperson said they would take the thousands of dollars in damage because “Unh uh, there’s no way we’re diggin’ through that weird guy’s trash.” Giant said it would stop selling turkeys in the affluent suburbs, but would continue selling them in the inner city where “those people don’t know any better, anyway. They eat our old produce, don’t they?”